Title from Michael Palin's "Ripping Yarns" episode about "Barnstoneworth United". The picture on the cover is from that episode ("Golden Gordon"), and the names are players in the team.

Outbreak of Vitas Gerulaitis

Vitas Gerulaitis Tennis player with a name that sounds like a venereal disease. Deceased via dodgy air conditioning/heating arrangement.
Tarkus An LP by ELP. Dreadful stuff.
sexton minor lay official of the church, usually some old git. I think the sexton has something to do with bells, but frankly I give nary a tinker's cuss.
Kowalski Judging by later LP titles, likely to be a name borrowed from Del Monroe's character in "Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea". Although it could be a reference to Mr Brando opposite Ms Leigh in "A Streetcar Called Desire".
ski lodge ... meddling kids Kowalski would make a good name for a "Scooby Doo" baddie. In the inestimably brilliant cartoon series, the villain always had a Polish name and with the aid of a rubber mask and a projector managed to scare off all other people trying to own the ski lodge/fun fair/mine/mansion. In the startling denouement, the gang from the Mystery Machine would unmask him and he would usually say something along the lines of "that ski lodge would have been mine if it wasn't for you meddling kids". Ou sont les nieges d'antan?
Virginia Wade Nasal-voiced English tennis player, coincidental winner of Wimbledon ladies championship in 1977, year of the Silver Jubilee. Virginia Woolf was an abused-as-a-child lesbian novelist who wrote classic though rather dull books. "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" is over-rated crap which I think starred Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor.
Rampton High security mental hospital.

Prag Vec at The Melkweg

Prag Vec Actually written "pragVEC"; London-based band fronted by Susan Gogan, and the first home of Jim Thirlwell (Foetus etc). Never played the Melkweg. Reissues coming soon (as of 01/01).
Melkweg Nightclub in Amsterdam, literally the "Milky Way".
Starts off like Beatles "Yellow Submarine"
forty pounds a week -- enterprise allowance money.
Meadowlark Lemon was the leader of the Harlem Globetrotters basketball team.
Tony Monopoly Singer who won Opportunity Knocks hundreds of times in the 70's, thereby demonstrating the vacuum at the heart of Britain's popular culture.
Connie Plank Famous German (male) record producer.
Johnny Kwango Wrestler (or is that actor?, could never tell). Had a "jungle" theme.
Dawlish Boring English seaside town on the South Devon coast.
[Craig] Stadler Golfer.
listeria popular variety of food poisoning caused by eating Edwina Currie.
Just as I expected, the shopkeeper appeared From kids TV program Mr. Benn.

Christian Rock Concert

...I saw, 10,000 people maybe more... :from Sounds of Silence, Simon & Garfunkel, some of their earlier songs had religious overtones.
Kerrang! Magazine for those who think Ozzy Osborne is an intellectual.
Stryper A god squad rock band
"Her rural Dean lay inert, in his John 3:16 T-Shirt"
Rural Dean Clergyman exercising supervision over group of parochial clergy within division of archdeaconry, apparently due thanks to COD);
John 3:16 One of the most famous verses of the bible. If you ever watch ski-ing, or bobsleighing from European snow, you ALWAYS see people wearing them, often banners at footie matches contain it too. The verse reads For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. See also below...
played your records backwards Satanic references in rock records etc.
The Green Room Multiple meanings here. The hospitality room where guests prepare (get wasted) before telly interviews is called The Green Room. However, it is also the title of White Metal's (another Christian Rock band) fan magazine. John 3:16 may well be one of their album titles as they named them after verses in the bible. They also stopped the God Squad stuff eventually and became merely a normal rock band. Great.
Wendy Wimbush Scorer for BBC cricket
spacehopper a big orange inflatable ball thing with two horns/ears which you grabbed and bounced up and down on. Honestly. Can usually be found in attics, sheds, somewhere at the bottom of the garden. Very 1972-ish. Victor Lewis-Smith claims that spacehoppers influenced his sexual technique.
Backwards bit says "The body of Shane Fenton is in the laundry chute of the New Ambassador's hotel near Euston Station" or something similar.
Shane Fenton (or is that Notnef Enahs?) is of course legendary 70's glamster Alvin Stardust, the Gary Glitter lookalike who initially appeared in "Hollyoaks" on C4 and can now (3/97) be seen advertising lottery scratchcards.

Let's Not

motor neurone as immortalized in Motor Neurone Disease which is what killed David Niven you know!
Ian "Sludge" Lees A terrible comic who appeared on "Tiswas" several times, with huge Afro hairdo.
Peter Grummit Well travelled 70's goalie, played for Sheff Wed and Grimsby Town amongst others.
Diss Norfolk town (on the A47, no less). Their footy team won the FA Vase in the not-too-distant past.
Highway Code a wish-fulfilment statement by the Department of Transport.
On The Road Hip novel about taking drugs and driving around the USA in the 50's, by Jack Kerouac.
"... man who went to mow" from nursery rhyme/song "One man and his dog".
Carla Lane Once upon a time a housewife from Liverpool started writing sit-coms. She wrote The Liver Birds, which was patchy but had its moments (see I Hate Nerys Hughes). She wrote Butterflies which was drippy but quite funny. Then she wrote sentimental and unfunny todge like Solo, Screaming, The Mistress and particularly the appallingly unfunny Bread and the frankly shite Luv.
Vanburn Holder Mid-70's West Indian medium-fast bowler, now an umpire.
Grant Baynham Bespectacled presenter of That's Life for 4 years.
Nothing-much-next-the-Sea Play on Wells-next-the-sea, Clay-next-the-sea, Norfolk seaside resorts. Probably highly descriptive of the places.

Yipps (My Baby Got The)

The lyrics seem to be inspired (in part) by the Footprints story...
Yipps nasty golfing problem.
gymkhana Silly event in which large fat girls ride small ponies until they break (not sure which one breaks)
The [Golden] Bear Jack Nicklaus, golfer
The [Great White] Shark Greg Norman, another golfer
Julio [Iglesias] quondam reserve goalie for Real Madrid and rather not-entirely-brilliant singer whose attempts to sing in English are rather amusing. Big in Latin America.
Ultrasur European Nazi football 'fans' of Real Madrid.

Hedley Verityesque

Hedley Verity Yorkshire left-arm spinner, died in the Second World War. Famed for the least expensive ten wicket analysis in first-class cricket against Notts in 1932: 19.4-16-10-10, ending the innings with 7 wickets in 15 balls. So now you know. He also took 144 wickets for England at around 24 apiece.
Caves of Drac Caves on the east coast of Majorca, away from the mass of pissed teenagers on heat.
"Sweats who think they're hard, my head no end do in" Sweats being cockney rhyming slang for Scots persons (sweats = sweaty socks = jocks). Many of who think a good night out consists of drinking 2 gallons of beer until 3am and then getting into a brawl. Except those from Edinburgh of course.
pent-up alsatians… often found on the sort of council estates that look like Beirut with Morris Marinas. You know the sort of places, all the men are wandering around with four-packs of cheap lager wearing their vests, the women are all no tights, cellulite and white stilettos, kids with crew cuts and a satellite dish on every house. AAAAAAArgh.
…who sing "It's nice to know you're here…"another footy song, sung by home fans to the away fans: "It's nice to know you're 'ere, it's nice to know you're 'ere, it's nice to know you're 'ere, F*CK OFF!", to the tune of "On Ilkley Moor bar t'at".
stark German film noirs Not enough of them on the telly, I think. [Well, maybe too many - PJF]
Blockbusters Schoolkids quiz show "Can we have a pee Bob?"
Peter Sarstedt 60's (maybe 70's) singer of the dreadful "Where do you go to my lovely" Only other hit was "Frozen Orange Juice", the follow-up. And pseudo-sophisticated drivel "I want to get inside your head". I can't bear to say any more apart from the fact that I think he's still alive. Robin Sarstedt ("My Resistance is Low") was his brother, as was Eden Kane.
Ayshea [Brough] An Anglo-Asian woman who had her own TV show on ITV at 4.20 one week-day in the 70's called "Lift Off With Ayshea". It was basically a pop programme.
Kip Keino A long distance runner from Kenya in the 70's. His son is a bit of a star runner these days.

A Lilac Harry Quinn

Harry Quinn A type of bike. HQ had a cycle shop in Liverpool (Harry Quinn Cycles, strangely enough).
Reverend Jim Jones was leader of the religious cult whose members (977 of them) committed mass suicide in Guyana in about 1979. They all died at Jonestown.
Journey Why don't these MOR bands ever get run over by a big lorry?
"Sign on you Crazy Diamond" Pink Floyd reference.
Wirral Peninsula The posh bit next to Liverpool, separated by the Mersey. Well, as posh as it gets around there. HMHB come from there.
Alchemy Dire Straits double live album.
Goodyear airship duuuh, an... airship... with.... Goodyear written on it. Presumably if people see an airship in the sky they will buy more tyres. Or something like that.
The average tree A line from Waltzing Matilda goes "Underneath the shade of the coolibah tree" Maybe something more specific.
Dick Quax Mid 70's New Zealand middle distance runner. 5000m silver medal at 1976 Olympics, set world records at distances from 1500m to the marathon.
Sturmey-Archer el-cheapo British three-speed [also 5] hub bike gears as found on sit-up-and-beg Raleighs and the like. Also the likes of the Chopper and Grifter. They are neat bits of engineering, but all of the cogs in the hub make them a bit inefficient. They are safer than external (derailleur) gears as you can't wrap the hub around your spokes.
Campagnolo Italian bicycle components, built like a Ferrari gearbox, and dead expensive. Kids with Campagnolos were richer than kids with Sturmey Archers. The rear axle of my spare wheel is a 7-speed Campagnolo Corsa Record. My only claim to having a top of the range component on my bike (and even then, only when I'm using my spare wheel). I try to avoid Shimano, but it isn't easy.

Our Tune

Our Tune was a stomach churning spot on Radio 1, Simon Bates' programme. Now not there. Boo hoo. "and the baby died. So let's play The Power Of Love..."
A47 Road that runs from Leicester to Great Yarmouth, passing by/through such East Anglian delights as Wisbech, Kings Lynn, Swaffham and Norwich. As well as bloody Peterborough United.
Alan Brazil Ex Ipswich, Spurs & Man. Utd. striker. Appears in slightly more portly guise these days on Sky Sports.
Rocky Horror Picture Show Musical film/play about transvestite aliens by Richard O'Brien, who went on to do C4 Crystal maze.
Goombay Dance Band Had a no1 disco hit with "Seven Tears". Utter crap.
"Sampling Alessi in St. Neots" Alessi were a US pop duo (twins). St. Neots is a town in Cambridgeshire, where Greene King apparently have a monopoly on the pubs. Scary.
Bunty James One of the presenters of "How!" Not as useless as Fred Dinenage, not as old as Jack Hargreaves (RIP!), and not as dull as the guy who was professor of mechanical engineering at Southampton University whose name I can't remember (Jon Miller, actually). I can't forgive them for bringing HOW back.
Hilton Park M6 Service station or perhaps Leigh Rugby League ground.
"Oh Oh Lori in St. Neots" Oh Lori was a/the Alessi hit.
Dead-Shot Keen Striker from a footy comic, owner of quality footwear.
"Hello, This is Joanie" From a song by Paul Evans in 1978, title the same with "(The Telephone Answering Machine Song)" at the end. It must be American if they need to have it explained that it is an answering machine.
Grocer Jack From a 60s song called "Excerpt from a Teenage Opera" by Keith West.

Girlfriend's Finished with Him

The Frazier Chorus British pop band, '89-'91-ish. "Dream Kitchen" was probably their 'best' known song
Wim Van Hanegem Dutch footballer
Telly Savalas Baldy actor, Kojak catchphrase "Who love's ya, baby" Should be remembered for playing the platoon sergeant in almost every sixties war film, not Kojak [if you are a sad film buff - PJF]. Oh and he also did a terrible rendition of "If (a picture paints a thousand words)".
Oi! revival Oi! was 80's skinhead music with unsavoury reputation for racism
costermongers Can be found in Whitechapel. Apparently relates to a bald Liverpool market trader (i.e. a costermonger). I believe he was quite well-known in his time, but may have retired/moved/died by now.

Everything's A.O.R.

Kendo Nagasaki Pseudo-Japanese wrestler. Always wears a mask, probably to remain anonymous and thus never have to retire.
Millican & Nesbit 1970's two hit wonders. The Singing Miners. I kid you not. Won Opportunity Knocks for about nineteen decades running, probably because they were bribing Hughie Green. Sung sentimental songs about dead miners, pit disasters etc. and were thoroughly appalling.
Flintlock Another awful seventies teenage lust band, one hit, "Dawn" in 1976. A sort of toned-down Bay City Rollers. Really. The drummer out of Flintlock became one of the original Tomorrow People which shows you just how good they really are.
Sade, Whitney (Houston), (Luther) Vandross, T'Pau All too AOR (Adult-orientated rock for the uninitiated)
Jackie Mag for teeny girlies. I think it's a D C Thompson job. No mention of zits, tampax or boys in it.

Ordinary to Enschede

Not on the LP, but the B-side to the "Let's Not" single.
Enschede Town in the Netherlands. Footy team lost to Borussia Mönchengladbach in the 1975 UEFA cup final. And the pronunciation is correct, despite Peely reckoning otherwise - had it confirmed by the son of one of their (ex-)players (who subsequently went to Tranmere...).
Phipps Central Train station. Anyone know where?
Waregem A small town (10,000 population) with a large racecourse (which hosts the Belgian Grand National equivalent) that can be reached by barge. Second division football team, play at the Regenboog ('Rainbow' in Flemish). The town is full of fans of a-GRUMH and Clan of Xymox, despite being nowhere near the Dead Sea (though there is a place called Nazareth about ten miles up the road from Waregem).
Malmö Swedish city. Lost to Nottingham Forest in 1979 European Cup Final.
[Berthold] Brecht German playwright.
Catcher in the Rye Book by J. D. Salinger.
Twister a game played on the floor with a mat.